The Post-Panic State of Mind

So now that I am no longer living in a constant state of panic that something will go wrong our adoption applications and we will not be invited to begin the process of adopting our two kids (I know, I know...the devil made me do it!), my brain is moving from hyper-wired to recovery. Quite honestly, when we first got word of our invitation to Ukraine, I felt relief but not really excitement (kind of like when you think you're gonna die and you can only focus on not dying; actually "living" - beyond the not dying - doesn't occur to you until you know for sure that you are not going to die and then you start living again). But I'm post-panic and ready to move on!

This is when the little people on the other end of all of this come into focus. I think a lot about what they are doing, if they are safe, if they *feel* safe, what they are hoping for, how strongly they believe they will get what they are hoping for... I imagine what it will be like when we see them for the first time in just a few weeks.

We will be meeting our son for the first time. We do not know what he knows about us. We have written to him several times but we avoided specifically stating that we wanted to adopt him (and we don't even know that he has gotten our letters). We made references to his/our future that strongly implied we intend to adopt him but who knows what the mind of an 8-year-old orphaned boy thinks? My guess is that he is more focused on the stated facts in our letters than the implications. My point is this: we have no idea if he knows we are coming and how prepared he will be for us. You can imagine it would be quite scary. ALL orphans (by the way, I never have liked the word "orphan" but I chose to not find another word to replace it because part of me believes the word *should* make us uncomfortable. There should not *be* orphans!!) want a home and family. Our son has been to the US, so it stands to reason that if he is hoping for a family, he is hoping they will be in the US! But an American family actually (that you do not know) coming to get you and remove you from all that you know (not only is there a language barrier, we do not even have the same alphabet - it is very disorienting!), while it is actually what you’d hoped for, must be scary!

So this is my prayer for him: that our hearts are so open to him that even if he feels scared at times, that he *knows* he is safe with us and that his future is bright and hopeful. I remember when we moved through the process of deciding to adopt our daughter. We had decided we would adopt her before we even met her. And then we met her and were blown away at how she simply “fits” us!! I pray the same for him. That he “fits” us and that we all feel the same sense of perfectness even without the common language to express it. It’s very powerful when it happens. I guess it is much like having a baby; you wonder about this and that and then when they arrive it’s all perfect; even the imperfections are perfect. Yep, that’s my prayer for him!

As for her, I already know of her readiness for us to come!! She has (just like her Mama) made no bones about it!! But the road to finality is not short, easy, or without an obstacle or two. It’s confusing (at least it is to me) and my gut tells me it’s best not to ask too many questions about it (so I’ll ask you to do the same!) but when we reunite with her, for the purposes of some of the officials present, we will be meeting her for the first time. To be honest, second to meeting our son for the first time, I am most concerned for this moment (I’m sure once the moment has passed, I will turn my concern to something else – like the court hearing! Or whatever other obstacle that presents itself along the way).

Anyway, today we hope to ticket our flights and maybe buy a few jars of peanut butter for the trip. But mostly, I’m seeing their faces, feeling their little bodies giving me hugs, imagining them saying words in English (and making us say them in Russian – fair warning, they will probably do this to you too – and they’ll laugh when you can’t say it right!), finding out about their school, meeting other kids at church and in the neighborhood, stomping up and down the stairs (one of my MOST FAVORITE memories of our daughter when she was here last summer), teaching them to brush their teeth and then enforcing it, them actually brushing their teeth on their own (I know…I can really dream futuristic!), reading to them, tucking them in at night, soothing their worries and hurts, introducing them to our Savior (that’s a big one!). Mostly just life……….