Mariupol Marathon Day 5 - :(

Despite mostly nice weather & neither of us being afflicted with any kind of physical illness, today was about as tough a day as we’ve had. It takes a close second to the “You’re-Not-in-America”-speech day when we asked to be moved from the creepy apartment in Bilgorod.

It doesn’t come as a surprise but still it’s hard. We’ve hit the snack-bringing, game –provider wall. We don’t feel like parents to Henry. We are a means to what pleases him. For the most part, his affection toward us feels cursory. Today during our visit, while they were playing a game together Henry actually crawled over Richard to get out from behind the table, not a word or motion or acknowledgement that he was leaving the room, and went into the next room and began to play a game with another kid who was visiting with his adopting family. It was close to our time to leave, so we packed up & waited a few minutes thinking maybe he was coming right back. When it became clear that he was not we passed through the other room, said “goodbye” to him & left. He seemed surprised that we were leaving but not necessarily bothered.

It’s not his fault. He’s 8. And that I know of, he has never had a family (at least not a functional, healthy family). And two people (with whom he cannot communicate) who visit him daily for a few hours with snacks & games is not what it means to have a family. Even though we’ve tried some interactive games with him, they work for a short time but not long. It is extremely difficult to balance the dynamics of the situation as it exists here. There is no easy answer... 

We pray we can take our relationship to another level with him very soon. My fear is that if we don’t establish something meaningful with him before Nastia enters the picture, he will have an uphill battle. She is so “connected”, in our face (in a good way!), & appreciative. She demands our attention. She goes to great lengths to position herself between us & eats up every morsel of attention we pay her. And she is very good at showing her gratitude.  

You know, I was always pretty sure that Nastia understood our “family” & her role in it. I remember being amazed that it seemed intuitive to her. It was like last summer she stepped off the airplane & into our family – simple as that! Pretty much "done deal"! I will never forget the day (it was a few days before she was returning to Ukraine) when she was wrapped up in her concern about which clothes she was going to take back with her. She was in quite the tizzy. I had the translator tell her that what she means to us has nothing to do with these clothes. And the clarity of crystal came across her face. She *knew* what I meant. And really, it was a defining moment. If we weren't 100% before, we were now SOLID. With one sentence. I realize now that this explains her confidence that we were coming for her.

And when we finally arrived, as we were walking out of our first meeting from the orphanage director’s office, after not having seen each other for eight months, she repositioned us so that she was in between & she held both of our hands. Not one of us has ever doubted that we are her parents & she is our daughter. Or what that means...

I’m sure the situation will improve with Henry. Like I said, we’re not even really surprised. If we were on our own turf, we’d probably feel stronger and clearer headed than we do right now.  And please don’t think for a second that we feel like we’ve made a mistake in our decision to include him in our family. We love him very much! We realize this really has nothing to do with “us”. And the reality is that he is more the rule & she is more the exception for how adopted kids attach to their adopted parents. We don’t expect him to be her. Nor would it be reasonable to think he can grasp what our family means without being in the environment that is our home & family. He doesn’t yet have that perspective. We long for the day when he does. I have faith that all of our issues will be behind us in no time!

Other than that, the constant disorientation caused by everything unfamiliar & not being able to communicate takes its toll & some days it just seems to cave in on you. Maybe we’re feeling otherwise compromised and today fear took that opportunity to take hold. I think this is the bottom line. In America, you abide by the law and, for the most part, you know what to expect. Here, there is corruption. We don’t have a frame of reference for that. What does that mean to me? We don’t even have a good understanding of what that means to a citizen of the Ukraine; let alone a foreigner.  

And why don’t people jog here (surely everyone is concerned about fitness & stress management!)? Just makes *everything* here appear shady!! Lord, help this helpless American (me)…

Most families have left the country before four-and-a-half weeks. They go home or somewhere else for the 10-day waiting period. Our US facilitator will do everything in his power to talk you out of staying here if you think that’s what you’re going to do. He is right. GET OUT if you can!! We couldn’t.

Eye on the prize………. 15 days & counting! Praying.........