Where the Rubber Meets the Road

These are the days that make or break a new family. Our choices for them either accelerate or delay their transition to “family” and healing their pasts.

We’ve been all over the board with our kids in the past week. We’ve done it wrong & regrouped more than once! And their resilience continues to amaze me.

It’s impossible to convey the full scope of our experience in a blog entry. So here’s the Reader’s Digest version (with the disclaimer that MUCH, MUCH more went on behind the scenes!). I had known for a while that my kids were saying things about me (usually when I disciplined or denied them) in Russian. And I also became aware that Henry was using bad language. I tolerated it for a few reasons but mostly because I felt that if it didn’t resolve as they transitioned their language to English & some of their stress & frustrations resolved, we would then address it. But I reached my threshold when they were both using bad words while I was playing Uno with them & they laughed in my face when I confronted them. My response? “No more Russian”.

The way I saw it, them speaking to each other was a privilege. No amount of them communicating was life sustaining. So…they bought their ticket to “English only”. Also, we felt like we had reached the point where allowing them to continue to speak to each other in Russian was interfering with our ability to build relationships with them & diminishing their motivation to learn English.

I’ll add a note here that several people, when they heard my kids were treating me with disrespect, were shocked that my kids were anything but completely grateful for how their lives have been changed by us. It’s a common misconception that adopted children understand and appreciate the plight from which their new, well-to-do American family has saved them. The reality is these kids come from completely dysfunctional backgrounds (and even if they didn’t, no child can fully comprehend what would have awaited them in Ukraine’s society post-orphanage). And while it is true that their lives today are a thousand times better than their lives were a  month ago, it’s still terribly stressful for them to be in unfamiliar surroundings, unable to speak the language, and unsure of what is expected of them. They are 8 & 11. They have a fully developed language to express themselves…in another country. But not here. Also, they have very little experience with adults who have their best interest at heart. So while it is extremely difficult not to take the disrespect personally, it really has nothing to do with me. And as the grown up (yes, that’s me – scary as it is!), it’s my job to respond appropriately.

We were initially not completely united as parents on this decision & our commitment to “reminding” them not to speak to each other in Russian (we have found the biggest challenge so far has been to allow or impose “hardship” on our children), so we backslide a little. But we’ve recommitted and it’s been one of the best decisions we’ve made thus far. They are both beginning to “think” in English; something they never would have done had Russian continued to be their primary language. We are still on the uphill side of the English curve but we see the top of the hill and are excited for them to pick up great momentum!

Otherwise, we’ve had our challenges. They are both stubborn. It’s a necessary characteristic to survive in an orphanage. But here, in our home, it results in things being destroyed or important messages being undelivered. It is a HUGE challenge for us as parents. They are very much like overly-intelligent toddlers. They had 8- & 11-year-old thoughts … and we have parental messages… but we cannot share them. I cannot begin to articulate the frustration… It’s all part of our transition.

Probably the second biggest challenge is that what worked for us or they liked yesterday doesn’t often carry over to the next day. Finding a reward system has been impossible. And this is a great source of parental frustration as well…

We have our ups & downs. Nothing thus far has been unexpected or alarming. It’s just that we get tired. All four of us (well, not Henry so much!). But every day we make some kind of progress that feeds us!

I believe that we are watching these children (particularly Henry) heal from their painful pasts right before our eyes. I will respect their dignity by keeping the details private but they genuinely show signs of shedding their pasts and moving forward. And *this* makes it all worthwhile.