Reflections

The year-two hosting program orphans (I still cannot make peace with that word) and their two chaperones and two translators are due in to RDU in less than an hour. I've not been able to get the families and program organizers off my mind. We've prayed for this day...

But I have so many different thoughts... I remember waiting for Nastya (now Landyn!) with great excitement and probably even greater nervousness just one year ago. I worried she would be scared. I worried she wouldn't be able to sleep in our home. I worried she would need something but not be able to ask (and this was a strong likelihood). I worried she wouldn't know how to use our bathrooms (and I wasn't completely wrong on this one either!)!

I didn't know anyone who had ever hosted an orphan from another country. My head was saying "totally YIKES!". We met other families at the airport and everyone else seemed equally nervous and excited.

And then there they were. A bunch of kids who looked nothing like any of the kids in the pictures we had seen. They were all minuscule. You know...they looked breakable! But especially Landyn. She was so exhausted she could barely stand up. And she was TINY! she looked way too young to have traveled so many thousands of miles to get in a car and go with with two adults who she had never met and with whom she could not communicate. It all seemed a bit absurd in the moment. But we weren't the only ones collecting a frightened kid and driving away. So off we went.

Almost a year later the child we fell in love with is our daughter. And despite having spent three weeks with her a year ago, she is not at all the person we thought she was. It is not that she misled us in any way. It's just that three weeks with a kid that speaks another language and that does not know you plan to make them a permanent part of your family is not "real life".

I don't mean to suggest I am not in favor of the hosting program. Believe me when I say I've given the hosting program a lot of consideration. And I've not always been consistent in my opinion about the hosting program. In the end, I figure God is in charge anyway. So at the very least, we got a sense of her temperament and we were reasonably sure she did not have any dibilitating psychological disorders.

The long and the short of it for us is that we have a long road ahead of us with a daughter who was badly abused and neglected for ten years. The effects are more far-reaching than one can imagine. But she is resilient and bright. And with A LOT of work, we pray she will be able to rewire her brain enough to lead a functional and happy life. She had her first meltdown today (yes, it took over two months!) and it was, despite what you might think, a great step for her. She does not recognize, feel, or express appropriate emotion. So for her to get mad and frustrated to the point of sobbing because math is hard and America is hard and her little brother (who should, by all accounts, be as confused and disorganized and delayed as she is) seems to have it so easy, is actually a huge milestone for her. It gives me great hope for her.

Anyway, God bless all the hosting families, children, chaperones, translators, program organizers, and other volunteers over the next three weeks.

If you are considering adopting, please know that parenting a broken child is God's work. Be prepared to take your needs and heartaches to Him many, mnay times a day for the long haul. You are without a doubt in over your head. But you are not in over His head.

I am excited to see how God works this year out!

Oh So Different!

Time flies (whether you’re having fun or not) these days! My days are enormously challenging. But I will start out this blog update by saying we are beyond blessed with two sweet, loving, and kind children. We have our challenges but we are hopeful about their futures.

Now for the day-to-day stuff: I know I say this a lot but it is hard to put into words what our lives are like. When we first got home, everything felt FRANTIC and almost out of control! That feeling hasn’t completely subsided but we *are* getting a handle on it. Lots of structure & planning ahead have helped. When I let my guard down & don’t plan ahead, I pay the price. However, we have learned a few things that account for some of the franticness (one of those is kind of *obvious*; no more Coke!).

We noticed pretty quickly that the concerns we had about Landyn when we met her last year were not only still present but seemed to be worse (or maybe we were just becoming weary). We had lots of assurances that her behavior was normal for an 11-year-old girl & well, “welcome to parenthood” but it truly seemed like something was off (plus, the issues we were having with her, we were not having with our 8-year-old son). In a nutshell, we’ve sought counseling from a Russian-speaking counselor & low-and-behold, we have very valid reasons for our concerns. It’s hard to give you an idea of what we’re dealing with and still protect her privacy but I’ll say she is very immature (behaviors consistent with 5- to 7-years-old) with a completely disorganized thought process. She is much like a late toddler with a very developed 11-year-old body. She has had a complete absence of structure in her life and not a single responsible role model. She most likely did not attend school (or at least not regularly) until she moved into the orphanage in February of 2010. She really has no idea how to function in a structured, functional family environment. She doesn’t know how to act 11. To her, a minor inconvenience (such as a change in the temperature by one degree) is a major problem.

Also, I’ve had a very difficult time teaching her (as has her Russian-speaking math tutor). She does not make logical associations or recognize patterns or learn from examples. However all three Russian-speaking professionals who have worked with her & are able to make an informal assessment feel sure she does not have a learning disability. I pray they are right but in the mean time, I am finding our days very challenging! The only thing she really seems to like to do is watch TV (which she will do for hours on hours on hours if you let her). And some days I think she’s 11 and just pushes my buttons.

In order to address her issues, we basically just mega-parent her. She needs very strictly enforced structure, responsibilities (which is hard to do because her lack of self-awareness results in many things being broken and overall poor-quality work on her part and requires constant oversight on our part), and good role-modeling (oh boy, that’s *me*?) day in & day out without fail.

So the next logical question would be about Henry. Surprisingly, we do not have the same issues with him. We don’t know as much about his background (mostly because he doesn’t seem to see the need to talk about it and for that very reason we don’t see the need to press the issue) but for whatever reason, he is kind of like he’s always been here! It’s not that he doesn’t have some areas that are more sensitive (such as being afraid of the dark) but they appear to be very normal and he simply needs responsible parents to support him as he processes his fears. Of course, time will tell if we are accurate in our assessment of him… (We were completely on the mark with Landyn so we have a bit of confidence we haven’t missed anything with Henry.)

He enjoyed a week of sports camp where he learned the fundamentals of several sports (he seems to like all sports!), made friends, and acquired a good bit of new English! [A funny little side story: Henry has trouble with “w”; he usually makes a “v” sound. So when I said I was putting the pizza in the oven, he said, “oven? My friend (his name is) Oven.” Fortunately I recalled having heard one of the coaches call a kid “Owen”, so I was able to nip that one in the bud!]

 In general, he’s very “teachable” (actually, he "self-teaches"!) and enjoys learning at home & with his English teacher. He loves to watch baseball on TV snuggled up next to us (he’s already a Gator & Yankees fan!), ride his scooter, and play Wii. Otherwise, he walks around the house measuring stuff with a tape measure. He is such a boy! And he is a delight to have around.

The contrast between the two is drastic and sometimes appreciable even to her. It is sad for her. She is a sweet & loving girl who wants to please us but she has some significant deficits to overcome (mostly the need to please us!) that, unfortunately, sometimes interfere with our ability to enjoy her (I know, “Welcome to parenthood.” The thing is we don’t have this issue with him. So it’s hard. And many times, he follows her lead - becasue she is his older sister - and it doesn't work in his favor.) As I prepare this update Landyn is back in bed (she got up too early and is not mature enough to function when she is a little tired) & Henry has watered my plants, cleaned the birdfeeder, and is now vacuuming the floor (and there is no feeling of franticness in the house). How’s that for contrast?

As parents, it’s hard. It’s hard to parent when: 1-you’ve never done it, 2-your kids are in middle-childhood by the time you begin parenting them, 3-they do not speak English (that’s probably more accurately #1!), and 4-the two of them are so different (and I am trying to educate them both in English & math - at the same time because, well, what do you do with one while you work with the other?).

But again, we are blessed. Both kids are loving & kind. One is more challenged than the other. But we anticipate being able to help the challenged one reach a higher potential. And we are all healthy!! God has given us much!!

PS. Henry is still vacuuming… J