The Gap

It has been gently brought to my attention that is has been quite some time since I have blogged. Yes. Indeed. It has. I wasn’t my intention to leave you hanging. It’s just that…things happen, life gets BUSY, and TIME FLIES!!

You probably already know the logistical transformations of the last three months: Henry & Landyn started school @ Haw Rive Christian Academy (I cannot say enough about their school - it simply ROCKS!!) the day after Labor Day and I started a new job @ SunTech Medical exactly four school days later (would have liked to take another week or two to catch my breath, but had to strike while the job-iron was hot & am incredibly grateful to have been presented with such an wonderful opportunity in this less-than promising economy).

Henry is in third grade. He is bright & loves school (despite his instance that he would NOT like school & his protests that he only wanted to “play games” all day). And he loves baseball. His biggest academic obstacle is his lack of confidence in himself. He knows WAY more than he thinks he does. He has no idea how bright (& incredibly funny!!) he is! It is my mission to rebuild his self esteem. When I tell him how much I love him, it is obvious he does not have a history of having received this kind of affirmation. But each time he is less surprised & resistant to my showers of love. And he never doesn’t grin from ear-to-ear. And most recently he has started giving it right back J! Yes, indeed, he has settled into having loving parents & extended family & friends very well.

He is certainly not without a challenge here & there but the brightness in his eyes & the promises of the brightness for his future far outshine any challenge we’ve faced thus far. Honestly, at the end of the day, our biggest challenge with Henry is wearing him out physically. He is 100% energy & 200% boy – you know… talks incessantly about boogers & makes repulsive boy noises & smells at the most inopportune times. He is just delightful… I wouldn’t trade a minute of my time with him! J

Landyn is in fifth grade. She loves school & reading & TALKING (loudly!). We’ve had concerns about her eyesight since last year, so it was no surprise when a trip to the eye doctor confirmed she is terribly farsighted & a bit nearsighted. She is enjoying being able to actually see the world with her sassy new glasses! She also had two cavities filled & three rotten baby (thank goodness!) teeth extracted & had a spacer placed (which is a lot like a retainer – crosses the roof of her mouth which isn’t good for a new language learner!) to maintain the positioning between her permanent teeth. It’s been a lot of trips to the dentist & we’re ready for a break!

Landyn has had a more difficult time than Henry settling into our family. There are many layers to this and I’m sure there are many more layers to uncover but the short version is that she was with her biological family for almost 10 years (and she’s only 11). And by all accounts, they lived a very dysfunctional lifestyle (not a news flash – I know, but maybe even more dysfunctional than we can imagine). As a result she is extremely immature, has poor impulse control, and has very little ability to associate cause & effect. Sadly, she is an 11-year-old, physically developing girl with a toddler-to-young-child’s developmental maturity & thought process. Without saying anything else (bc I respect her & am heartbroken by what she has endured prior to us), I will say she is one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever known & we are blessed & grateful to have her in our family. But you can only imagine the minute-by-minute parenting choices we have to make in response to her behaviors. Add on the fact that we have a very astute 9-year-old son watching us & drawing conclusions about how to treat others & what is expected of him and…well…you see why so much time has elapsed since my last blog entry!

In conclusion, we are happy & well. We are blessed in ways we would have never had the audacity to ask of God. My only prayer is for health & happiness for my kids. We are very hopeful for both of them…

Thank you for caring about my family & reading my blog. I cannot promise what the gap will be between this and the next entry. But you can be sure there will be one…J

Reflections

The year-two hosting program orphans (I still cannot make peace with that word) and their two chaperones and two translators are due in to RDU in less than an hour. I've not been able to get the families and program organizers off my mind. We've prayed for this day...

But I have so many different thoughts... I remember waiting for Nastya (now Landyn!) with great excitement and probably even greater nervousness just one year ago. I worried she would be scared. I worried she wouldn't be able to sleep in our home. I worried she would need something but not be able to ask (and this was a strong likelihood). I worried she wouldn't know how to use our bathrooms (and I wasn't completely wrong on this one either!)!

I didn't know anyone who had ever hosted an orphan from another country. My head was saying "totally YIKES!". We met other families at the airport and everyone else seemed equally nervous and excited.

And then there they were. A bunch of kids who looked nothing like any of the kids in the pictures we had seen. They were all minuscule. You know...they looked breakable! But especially Landyn. She was so exhausted she could barely stand up. And she was TINY! she looked way too young to have traveled so many thousands of miles to get in a car and go with with two adults who she had never met and with whom she could not communicate. It all seemed a bit absurd in the moment. But we weren't the only ones collecting a frightened kid and driving away. So off we went.

Almost a year later the child we fell in love with is our daughter. And despite having spent three weeks with her a year ago, she is not at all the person we thought she was. It is not that she misled us in any way. It's just that three weeks with a kid that speaks another language and that does not know you plan to make them a permanent part of your family is not "real life".

I don't mean to suggest I am not in favor of the hosting program. Believe me when I say I've given the hosting program a lot of consideration. And I've not always been consistent in my opinion about the hosting program. In the end, I figure God is in charge anyway. So at the very least, we got a sense of her temperament and we were reasonably sure she did not have any dibilitating psychological disorders.

The long and the short of it for us is that we have a long road ahead of us with a daughter who was badly abused and neglected for ten years. The effects are more far-reaching than one can imagine. But she is resilient and bright. And with A LOT of work, we pray she will be able to rewire her brain enough to lead a functional and happy life. She had her first meltdown today (yes, it took over two months!) and it was, despite what you might think, a great step for her. She does not recognize, feel, or express appropriate emotion. So for her to get mad and frustrated to the point of sobbing because math is hard and America is hard and her little brother (who should, by all accounts, be as confused and disorganized and delayed as she is) seems to have it so easy, is actually a huge milestone for her. It gives me great hope for her.

Anyway, God bless all the hosting families, children, chaperones, translators, program organizers, and other volunteers over the next three weeks.

If you are considering adopting, please know that parenting a broken child is God's work. Be prepared to take your needs and heartaches to Him many, mnay times a day for the long haul. You are without a doubt in over your head. But you are not in over His head.

I am excited to see how God works this year out!

Oh So Different!

Time flies (whether you’re having fun or not) these days! My days are enormously challenging. But I will start out this blog update by saying we are beyond blessed with two sweet, loving, and kind children. We have our challenges but we are hopeful about their futures.

Now for the day-to-day stuff: I know I say this a lot but it is hard to put into words what our lives are like. When we first got home, everything felt FRANTIC and almost out of control! That feeling hasn’t completely subsided but we *are* getting a handle on it. Lots of structure & planning ahead have helped. When I let my guard down & don’t plan ahead, I pay the price. However, we have learned a few things that account for some of the franticness (one of those is kind of *obvious*; no more Coke!).

We noticed pretty quickly that the concerns we had about Landyn when we met her last year were not only still present but seemed to be worse (or maybe we were just becoming weary). We had lots of assurances that her behavior was normal for an 11-year-old girl & well, “welcome to parenthood” but it truly seemed like something was off (plus, the issues we were having with her, we were not having with our 8-year-old son). In a nutshell, we’ve sought counseling from a Russian-speaking counselor & low-and-behold, we have very valid reasons for our concerns. It’s hard to give you an idea of what we’re dealing with and still protect her privacy but I’ll say she is very immature (behaviors consistent with 5- to 7-years-old) with a completely disorganized thought process. She is much like a late toddler with a very developed 11-year-old body. She has had a complete absence of structure in her life and not a single responsible role model. She most likely did not attend school (or at least not regularly) until she moved into the orphanage in February of 2010. She really has no idea how to function in a structured, functional family environment. She doesn’t know how to act 11. To her, a minor inconvenience (such as a change in the temperature by one degree) is a major problem.

Also, I’ve had a very difficult time teaching her (as has her Russian-speaking math tutor). She does not make logical associations or recognize patterns or learn from examples. However all three Russian-speaking professionals who have worked with her & are able to make an informal assessment feel sure she does not have a learning disability. I pray they are right but in the mean time, I am finding our days very challenging! The only thing she really seems to like to do is watch TV (which she will do for hours on hours on hours if you let her). And some days I think she’s 11 and just pushes my buttons.

In order to address her issues, we basically just mega-parent her. She needs very strictly enforced structure, responsibilities (which is hard to do because her lack of self-awareness results in many things being broken and overall poor-quality work on her part and requires constant oversight on our part), and good role-modeling (oh boy, that’s *me*?) day in & day out without fail.

So the next logical question would be about Henry. Surprisingly, we do not have the same issues with him. We don’t know as much about his background (mostly because he doesn’t seem to see the need to talk about it and for that very reason we don’t see the need to press the issue) but for whatever reason, he is kind of like he’s always been here! It’s not that he doesn’t have some areas that are more sensitive (such as being afraid of the dark) but they appear to be very normal and he simply needs responsible parents to support him as he processes his fears. Of course, time will tell if we are accurate in our assessment of him… (We were completely on the mark with Landyn so we have a bit of confidence we haven’t missed anything with Henry.)

He enjoyed a week of sports camp where he learned the fundamentals of several sports (he seems to like all sports!), made friends, and acquired a good bit of new English! [A funny little side story: Henry has trouble with “w”; he usually makes a “v” sound. So when I said I was putting the pizza in the oven, he said, “oven? My friend (his name is) Oven.” Fortunately I recalled having heard one of the coaches call a kid “Owen”, so I was able to nip that one in the bud!]

 In general, he’s very “teachable” (actually, he "self-teaches"!) and enjoys learning at home & with his English teacher. He loves to watch baseball on TV snuggled up next to us (he’s already a Gator & Yankees fan!), ride his scooter, and play Wii. Otherwise, he walks around the house measuring stuff with a tape measure. He is such a boy! And he is a delight to have around.

The contrast between the two is drastic and sometimes appreciable even to her. It is sad for her. She is a sweet & loving girl who wants to please us but she has some significant deficits to overcome (mostly the need to please us!) that, unfortunately, sometimes interfere with our ability to enjoy her (I know, “Welcome to parenthood.” The thing is we don’t have this issue with him. So it’s hard. And many times, he follows her lead - becasue she is his older sister - and it doesn't work in his favor.) As I prepare this update Landyn is back in bed (she got up too early and is not mature enough to function when she is a little tired) & Henry has watered my plants, cleaned the birdfeeder, and is now vacuuming the floor (and there is no feeling of franticness in the house). How’s that for contrast?

As parents, it’s hard. It’s hard to parent when: 1-you’ve never done it, 2-your kids are in middle-childhood by the time you begin parenting them, 3-they do not speak English (that’s probably more accurately #1!), and 4-the two of them are so different (and I am trying to educate them both in English & math - at the same time because, well, what do you do with one while you work with the other?).

But again, we are blessed. Both kids are loving & kind. One is more challenged than the other. But we anticipate being able to help the challenged one reach a higher potential. And we are all healthy!! God has given us much!!

PS. Henry is still vacuuming… J

One Month of Familhood!

We’ve officially been a family of four for a month. And we’ve been back home for three weeks already! Trust me, not a day goes by that there aren’t numerous privileges of my charmed life that I recognize as unique to America! Brewed coffee in the morning on my front porch to the sound of song birds at my feeder and birdbath is the first that comes to mind! I LOVE America! And I LOVE summer!

We’ve spent the last month building bonds that are tighter than I had ever realized could even exist. It’s funny;  we spend almost every minute we can together as a family. Neither kid has made a friend that has either come to our house or that they have gone to the friend’s house. It’s not that they haven’t met other kids they really like. It’s just that we love our time together. In a way I think we all know on some level that we’re living in a little fantasy world of four where other important people come & go but the four of us are so solid we are just content for now. We all know that the kids will start school in the fall and Mommy will go back to work and that both kids will eventually prefer to hang out with friends. But for now, none of us is ready to move in that direction. Don’t get me wrong; many, many times Richard & I have prayed for the kids to make friends. We do get tired of being their primary playmates! BUT we have them so cocooned & sheltered right now, it’s actually quite nice. We know it’s not very reality based… I do get that… but for now, it works for us. We like our la-la-land! All four of us like it! The rest will come in due time… And when the road gets rocky, they will know in their core what “family” (something these kids have never known) means.

We continue to limit the Russian we allow the kids to speak. I have mixed feelings about this because I understand the value of being bilingual, but I guess because of my kid’s ages, they couldn’t rationally chose to work hard to learn English while they still had 100% access to Russian. And work hard they must! But their hard work is paying off & their English is exploding!

The stress level is subsiding too. The kids (and we) are less overwhelmed. And the kids are more able to understand that placing multiple demands/requests on me all at once makes me “coo-coo”. It doesn’t mean they don’t still do it! But they’re starting to get the message.

I am starting to teach them to do chores & we’re really trying to stick to a schedule that we lay out at the beginning of each day. In case you’re wondering, here’s today’s  schedule:

Thursday, June 9, 2011

8:30 – Eat Breakfast

9:30 – 11:00 English/math

11:00 – 12:00 Games/TV

12:00 – 12:30 Lunch

12:30 – 1:00 Chores

Landyn –              1:30 – 2:30 English (Rosetta Stone)

                                2:30 – 4:00 Quiet Time

Henry -                                 1:30 – 3:00 Quiet Time

                                3:00 – 4:00 English

4:00 – 5:00 Games/TV

And in case you’re wondering, we’re off track! Quiet time typically does not have the intended impact on Henry. He watches the clock & comes out of his room every 10 minutes or so to confirm what time Quiet Time ends. Well, today 3:00 rolled around and there is silence in his room. He either crawled out the window (which I doubt because his soccer ball got lost – so there’s really not much to do out there right now…) or he’s asleep. Either way, I’m not investigating any further!

Oh, and spattered throughout the day, at least every 30 minutes I get asked, “Daddy home at 5 o’clock?”. It’s not because they like him better. Really…….

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

These are the days that make or break a new family. Our choices for them either accelerate or delay their transition to “family” and healing their pasts.

We’ve been all over the board with our kids in the past week. We’ve done it wrong & regrouped more than once! And their resilience continues to amaze me.

It’s impossible to convey the full scope of our experience in a blog entry. So here’s the Reader’s Digest version (with the disclaimer that MUCH, MUCH more went on behind the scenes!). I had known for a while that my kids were saying things about me (usually when I disciplined or denied them) in Russian. And I also became aware that Henry was using bad language. I tolerated it for a few reasons but mostly because I felt that if it didn’t resolve as they transitioned their language to English & some of their stress & frustrations resolved, we would then address it. But I reached my threshold when they were both using bad words while I was playing Uno with them & they laughed in my face when I confronted them. My response? “No more Russian”.

The way I saw it, them speaking to each other was a privilege. No amount of them communicating was life sustaining. So…they bought their ticket to “English only”. Also, we felt like we had reached the point where allowing them to continue to speak to each other in Russian was interfering with our ability to build relationships with them & diminishing their motivation to learn English.

I’ll add a note here that several people, when they heard my kids were treating me with disrespect, were shocked that my kids were anything but completely grateful for how their lives have been changed by us. It’s a common misconception that adopted children understand and appreciate the plight from which their new, well-to-do American family has saved them. The reality is these kids come from completely dysfunctional backgrounds (and even if they didn’t, no child can fully comprehend what would have awaited them in Ukraine’s society post-orphanage). And while it is true that their lives today are a thousand times better than their lives were a  month ago, it’s still terribly stressful for them to be in unfamiliar surroundings, unable to speak the language, and unsure of what is expected of them. They are 8 & 11. They have a fully developed language to express themselves…in another country. But not here. Also, they have very little experience with adults who have their best interest at heart. So while it is extremely difficult not to take the disrespect personally, it really has nothing to do with me. And as the grown up (yes, that’s me – scary as it is!), it’s my job to respond appropriately.

We were initially not completely united as parents on this decision & our commitment to “reminding” them not to speak to each other in Russian (we have found the biggest challenge so far has been to allow or impose “hardship” on our children), so we backslide a little. But we’ve recommitted and it’s been one of the best decisions we’ve made thus far. They are both beginning to “think” in English; something they never would have done had Russian continued to be their primary language. We are still on the uphill side of the English curve but we see the top of the hill and are excited for them to pick up great momentum!

Otherwise, we’ve had our challenges. They are both stubborn. It’s a necessary characteristic to survive in an orphanage. But here, in our home, it results in things being destroyed or important messages being undelivered. It is a HUGE challenge for us as parents. They are very much like overly-intelligent toddlers. They had 8- & 11-year-old thoughts … and we have parental messages… but we cannot share them. I cannot begin to articulate the frustration… It’s all part of our transition.

Probably the second biggest challenge is that what worked for us or they liked yesterday doesn’t often carry over to the next day. Finding a reward system has been impossible. And this is a great source of parental frustration as well…

We have our ups & downs. Nothing thus far has been unexpected or alarming. It’s just that we get tired. All four of us (well, not Henry so much!). But every day we make some kind of progress that feeds us!

I believe that we are watching these children (particularly Henry) heal from their painful pasts right before our eyes. I will respect their dignity by keeping the details private but they genuinely show signs of shedding their pasts and moving forward. And *this* makes it all worthwhile.

Figuring It All Out

It’s not easy but we’re figuring it all out. Becoming an “instant” family is fraught with challenges that don’t typically exist when families “evolve” (ie. when you raise your children from birth). We all have our preferences & habits and most of the other family members don’t know us well enough to know our preferences & habits. And the adults & children don’t share a common language to aid in this “getting to know you” stage of our relationships. It’s interesting to say the least.

But they are wonderful, curious, smart, loving, grateful kids. They are both completely in love with the pool!! But even the pool does not bring the comfort they feel from being at home. Henry in particular asks to go home after we’ve been gone for any amount of time. He really finds his refuge here. This is the fuel that feeds an adoptive parent. To know that your children are learning to feel safe…

Henry is, as we already knew, ALL BOY! He is very active & curious. But he is cautious. He prefers to study others before engaging in an activity himself. It’s interesting because by the time he has observed long enough to feel enough confidence to participate, he’s already pretty good at whatever the activity. He watched his sister & others swim in the pool for about 30 minutes & then went to the shallow end & pretty much put his face in the water! He kicks & paddles (doesn’t really go anywhere, but still!) and he has a really good idea how the whole thing works. I love to watch him watch. And then do!

He continues to show more & more affection toward us as parents as well. Our relationships are developing perfectly. He expends the most energy of any of us, probably eats the most, and sleeps the least (although he sleeps enough that we are not concerned – it’s just less than the rest of us).

Interestingly, last night he Skyped with his friend from last summer’s hosting program, Dema, who was adopted to America four months ago & the conversation was very limited because Dema has lost most of his Russian. Of course, boys don’t really need words to communicate. So they made noises & funny faces and got along just fine!

Landyn is ALL GIRL! Her challenge right now is that she is all “Ukrainian” girl; meaning she is mostly social whereas, American girls are more active & athletic. Even our adoption facilitator, who is Ukrainian, commented that she would be successful in life – didn’t matter if she didn’t do well in school – because she is social & boys like that. Maybe in Ukraine (where it seems that females are quite objectified), but not necessarily in America. So her American friends have more in common with Henry (riding bikes, running & playing with a ball don’t require a common language) than her. As her parents, we are concerned that she does not have any skills or talents that she can value as an American girl (more specifically, we are concerned that she will fall into the “pre-teen boy-craziness” that was pretty much a girl’s existence in Ukraine). So I asked her if she would like to jog with me (thinking at least she could build some strength and endurance and confidence as a foundation to build on) and she said she would. In fact, it was several days before I took her with me & she asked every day! So we bought her an appropriate pair of shorts & off we went. She did GREAT! Her stride could use some work but her endurance was better than I expected. And she was really proud of herself!! Of course, the true test was the next day. Would she ask to go again? And she did!!

We have taught the kids “God is Great” before meals. Today I made their lunch but didn’t sit down to eat with them and I heard them sit down & say their blessing without any adult prompting. Makes a Momma proud…

And the most heartwarming for me is when they say “my family” in reference to the four of us.  

Indeed, it’s not easy. But we’re figuring it all out & we’re fine… We’re better than fine!

Only in America....

Despite the flavor of my blog throughout our stay in Ukraine, we were somewhat spoiled. We did not miss a single target date during our entire complex process of adopting Landyn & Henry. In fact, we exceeded our targets! There were numerous threats of coming up against a barrier but nothing ever materialized. Until our very last target; our connecting flight to home. After traveling almost 24 hours on less than a full night’s sleep, we cleared immigration & customs in DC to learn that our flight to RDU was cancelled. We had been spoiled by our success to that point & frankly, never really considered that something like this would happen. And there was no simple solution to the problem.

Long story short, we survived without injuring either of our kids. It’s not their fault but they were driving us CRAZY! I finally had to tell Landyn to “zip it”! And Henry followed her lead. Well whuddoyaknow? When they stopped moving their mouths for two minutes, they fell asleep! We arrived in RDU on a different airline carrier about 5 hours later than planned without any luggage (well, as it turned out our luggage was there – came in on a later flight with our original carrier – the one that cancelled our flight – but no one advised us that our luggage would be there, so we didn’t even look for it – not that we would have been able to identify it with our eyes crossed – we were sooooo tired). We missed our friends who came to the airport to welcome us home. I was terribly disappointed but keeping it in perspective we were HOME with our KIDS!! My parents pulled up to the curb, we jumped in & after almost 30 hours of traveling, were off for home!!

There was a brief resurgence of energy once we arrived home & the kids explored their rooms & took a quick inventory of their new loot but it was lights out within 30 minutes. And everyone woke up reasonably refreshed. Or, probably more accurately, still operating on adrenaline!

Our first day home was pretty busy. I was completely – to the point that I was almost over – prepared for our trip to Ukraine but that’s about where the preparation stopped. I did not have adequate clothing for the kids upon our return. In my defense, this was on purpose; not an oversight (well, the no pajamas thing was an oversight). I chose not to buy them clothing beforehand because there were two big unknowns: 1-what the weather would be when we returned (it was not hot here when we left!) & 2-what sizes the kids would wear. So armed with the answers to both of these questions, I headed out to Old Navy for shorts & t-shirts BY MYSELF! It was wonderfully quiet!

We spent most of the day just hanging out & allowing the kids to explore their new home. We took our well-cared-for (maybe even slightly overfed – but no complaints from us because he was very much loved in our absence) for a few walks. On the second walk the kids rode their new razors. We felt like a scooter was the best way to assess their balance with the intention of progressing to bicycles soon.

I have always intended to do my best to prevent my kids from being overstimulated & overwhelmed by their new lives & all the people anxiously awaiting their homecoming. But I was regretful that friends had come to the airport to greet us & it didn’t work out (our friends & family have been more than generous in their support!). So we invited friends to come by yesterday evening while we were all four still pretty much running on adrenaline. And it worked out perfectly. The kids played with all of our visitors’ kids & never really even knew they were the reason for so many people stopping by. I wonder if this afternoon when people don’t show up with gifts if they will think something is wrong!!

There was much ado about our luggage. United Airlines insisted it was their policy that we had to pick up our own luggage from the airport. After both Richard & I spent at least an hour each on the phone United Airlines agreed that, despite their policy (which, I pointed out to them, doesn’t do anything for “customer service”), they would “do the right thing” (those are my words to them!) and courier our luggage to us. I tell you this because, while it was frustrating that we had to argue with the airline to bring them around to realizing the impact on their customer of their poor policy, at least we were empowered enough to advocate for ourselves. It is hard to appreciate how compromised you feel when you are in a foreign country and cannot even speak on your own behalf. It is, indeed, GREAT TO BE HOME!

These days are a wonderful time for us! The kids are still very excited to explore their new world and the reality of the hardships that accompany their new world (learning a new language, making all new friends, and blending into a new culture) is not yet obvious to them. There is no real agenda for the day at least for the next few days. In the life of a child that comes from even less than just having very little, all is right in the world today! We are blessed to share this time with them. And blessed that our friends & family have shared this time with us as well…

So This Is It...

With kids' visas in hand we are making our final escape plans! We will depart this crazy apartment (where we have made some WONDERFUL memories!) in just about 12 hours at 4:00 o'clock in the morning (that is 9:00pm tonight for you Eastern timers!) and arrive in NC at 6:30 on Wednesday night. Everyone is READY!!

We've been here for 47 days and have changed locations 16 times (including 4 overnight trains)! Without a doubt the biggest challenge of this trip has been the numerous changes in location.

A short while ago we parted ways with out facilitator for the final time. Both of our children know him pretty well & seem to be very fond of him. It was interesting to me that along with the realization that they were seeing him for the last time, it seems as though reality is setting in for them. They are leaving all that is familiar to them and all they have ever known. And Landyn has an older, adult brother with whom she says she has a relationship and she has expressed sadness that she is leaving him (I've known about him for a while & we've talked before about if she will be sad leaving him). She is definitely melancholy this afternoon & I have made sure she knows it is okay to be sad.

Nothing about leaving Ukraine makes me sad. I have gone about my time here much the same way I go about my everyday life - imperfectly. There are things (many of them) I wish I had done differently but I lay my head down every night grateful that even though I have failed God's grace is enough... I am happy to continue my imperfect existance in my own home with perfect bathrooms!

As we head for home, I can't help but wonder what my children think their lives will be like (or maybe kids don't get that far ahead of themselves). Henry has already decided "No school. No rabota (job). Games!"! He may be a tad bit disappointed. I'd be willing to bet his plan includes only junk food too!

Here's what I pray for my family...that someday (soon) we are just a family. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just your average family...

In Need of Some Serious Hospitality!

We are out of money - AGAIN! It truly is time to go...

Our embassy visit today went just fine - enjoyed speaking English with the clerk that accepted our forms & paperwork! More than speaking English, she was KIND. We've missed that more than you can imagine. I LOVE being kind. I CANNOT WAIT to be kind & to be treated kindly!! When I get to America I am going to talk to EVERYONE, especially random people! Just because I want to...

We go back to the embassy tomorrow afternoon for an interview & to receive our kids' visas at which time we are free to leave Ukraine with our children & go to America! Don't think I didn't ask for an overnight flight Tuesday night. There aren't any...

We are all in need of more interior & exterior space than this apartment provides. Both kids' bedrooms & the living room being "combined" is not a recipe for good rest for them. And while there is a "little kid's playground" outside, we just want somewhere to "hang out" outside. We want grass!!

All of us are overstimulated. We were already walking a thin line *before* we were subject to the decor of this apartment. We are now all (of us) over the edge.

So...it is one more full day until America... Sydney... Roxy... Grandma... Grandpa...

PS. If you are on Roxy duty, please know that my parents will be at our house tomorrow. Also, to Joel & Ericka, they will pick up Sydney sometime on Wednesday. We will walk up to see you on Thursday so you can meet the kids!! :)

Still 3 Days America

I got called out (by my husband, no less!) on my "creative counting" of the days left here. In my little (weary & delusional) mind, if the day was already in progress, I didn't include it in the countdown. But I guess technically, that could be considered a misrepresentation. So I'll self-correct the countdown. Whatever.... We're coming home on Wednesday!! And *that's* the truth!!

Have I mentioned we're staying in an apartment that sends my senses into complete overload? Like I've just had the misfortune of an electrical shock? Yeah...I think I did. So we wisely chose to spend the day at the Dream Town Mall where the kids roller skated for HOURS! What a joy it is to see them have so much fun! Landyn, true to form, made friends with every girl at the rink! And Henry (so hilarious) toward the end when he would fall down (which was pretty frequent) would just stay there and lay his head down - on the skating rink floor. They wore themselves out and are bruised and battered. Should be a good time esplainin' ourselves at the US Embassy for their medical exams. My superior parenting continues!! As a side note: the were elbow and knee pads available but the whole Russian/English, they have to be "rented" thing was a parental failure on my part. America SOON! English SOON!

We've been blessed by American company on several occasions while we've been here but today was extra special. I've become facebook friends with a Michigan Mom who is adopting Dasha from our summer hosting program last summer. Danielle is the awesome Mom of four girls ages 1-8. She and her husband, Al, heard God's call to adopt Dasha who has now turned 16 and would have otherwise had very little hope of being adopted. They arrived in Kyiv yesterday for their SDA appointment tomorrow, so they met up with us at the mall. Just as I suspected, she's like a soul sister. We pray their appointment goes well tomorrow and look forward to meeting up with them again a time or two before DEPARTING THE COUNTRY FOR HOME!

It's evening here, so I'm calling today "over" which means 2 DAYS AMERICA!! SYDNEY... ROXY... GRANDMA... GRANDPA....

3 Days America!!

Well then, my blog is finally unbroken. It is been "down" so to speak for the last several days. There were plenty of message that appeared to be informing me of what was going on with the blogger, but they were all in Russian. Thus is my world...

Anyway, we spent the last three days in Odessa as a family of four. It's been like an awakening for all of us. We have learned to communicate in our own little way (most of it not with words!) & both kids remain curious about English (although not as much as I would like - but for the record, my opinion on this is that there has to be a motivation <which is why I have not learned Russian> and I believe the motivation will come with immersion in the language & culture <which, I realize, defies why I have not learned Russian - but still... - fact is, I don't really need any friends here becase I am going home...IN 3 DAYS!>). We had tickle-fests, giggle-fests, wrestling matches (Henry is pretty fast & wirey!), and just chilled together. Oh, and we went to a ballet at the Opera House in Odessa because it was a once-in-a-lifetime (have I mentioned that I have no intentions of ever coming back here?) chance to see the Opera House & it was worth the risk of taking an 8-year-old boy. We only stayed for about half & they both said they enjoyed it. They were good but I did have to sit between them in order to halt the commentary & giggling. They are, indeed, your average siblings.

There is soooo much I could say about our time together but I suspect the details of our lives are similar to yours if/when you raised & spent time with your children. It's just normal stuff - well, except the fact that we can't converse with our children. There's that challenge... but then, it really has had a way of bringing us closer. We've had to learn each other's "style" & nuances. It’s been good for us. And in a way, I’m glad we cannot talk about why & how it that we all came to be a family in Ukraine. The why & how is not really important… That we *are* is what is important right now.

That’s not to say I do not think about their why & how. I am curious about their pasts (if you were wondering if I ever got the information I asked for about their neglect/abuse histories, now you know…) but mostly in the sense that I want to be able to help them work through any issues that they’ve brought with them or to watch for signs of developing issues. None-the-less, we are left to figure this out on our own. Maybe it’s best. I disagree. But others – the ones who could have provided this information – obviously felt it best not to share – so I am left with whatever fallout there is from their decision. I do pray that God gives me the wisdom to guide them to a healthy, happy life.

Today we spent a good six hours in the car traveling from Odessa to Kiev. So I had some thinking time (oh no…you can stop here if you want!). I’ve been conflicted about how I’ve experienced Ukraine. Other than the time with my family (which I have LOVED!), I cannot say that I’ve enjoyed this trip AT ALL. The places we’ve stayed have all been, in my opinion, creepy; even the “very nice” apartment where we stayed in Mariupol had “issues”. I could go into detail but there’s no time or space (or interest on the reader’s part!) for that. I think the point is that the entire country is “old” & “cold”. Nothing is what we would consider to be “quality”. Even the “nice” places are not “nice” by American standards. There is building after abandoned building; some that were under construction but not finished (and I’m thinking, “What? Did their economy tank or something?”), some are falling down, and some you honestly cannot tell if it is on its way up or down. The buildings are hideously ugly. There are piles of rubble beside EVERY home & building (completed or not). There are plumbing & electrical issues in every apartment. Sorry, I digress. The point is the country feels robbed to me. It feels like the human spirit has been squelched, stamped out, ruined. We (the human spirit), by nature, are proud. We, with the right motivation & resources, are smart, creative, do good work, and take good care of the things we have. This goodness that is our human nature does not seem to exist here. Certainly, it is such that “people” exist here, but they hardly seem human. The lack of kindness toward one another. The complete disregard for one another. It just all feels so wrong to me. I cannot believe that God intended us to live like that. Nor can I believe that people *want* to live like that. It leaves me, once again, shaking my head.

That is not to say there are not kind people here. But overall, I’ve not found much warmth & kindness. And it makes me sad. Not so much for me because I am going home to family & friends & a community & “the south” (where we wave at everyone who drives by whether we know them or not!) that is warm & kind. But for the people I leave behind. I guess I can’t help but wonder what this beautiful country (and it IS beautiful here!) could become if the spirit of the people was renewed & there was warmth & kindness. I guess post-communism remains ugly for many, many years. Pray for the ugliness to end here. Pray for the human spirit to be renewed.

So that’s my take on this place. I could be wrong. Maybe there’s more kindness than I have perceived. But I don’t think so (I have pretty good “energy feelers”)…

Here we are. In our last creepy place before HOME! As I’ve said so many times about the places before, I cannot describe this place. It’s so over-the-top that I dare not attempt describing it (I am not that crafty with words that I could bring you here to experience what we are seeing). Suffice it to say, 3 DAYS AMERICA!! Sydney… Roxy… Grandma… Grandpa…

Tomorrow is our last day without anything to occupy our time. We will have our driver pick us up & take us to the big mall with lots of stuff to do. That oughtta be cheap! But there is no price too high for getting my kids outta this “accident waiting to happen”! There will be NO wrestling or tickle-fests in this place. And then both Monday & Tuesday was have appointments at the US Embassy. We will be issued our kids’ visas on Tuesday & leave this place at 4:00am (Ukraine time) Wednesday morning for a 6:45am flight!!

Our flight is due in around 6:30pm ET!!! We will have cleared customs in DC, so we look forward to picking up a pizza (because we haven’t had enough of that here – and if you came before us, you know what I mean!) & heading home……….

Family Day, May 10th, 2011

I get very little computer time these days! It's okay...

But I wanted to share with you that your and our prayers have been answered. We are all four together! In the brief time I have to share with you how our lives have changed, I'll sum it up by saying that Henry was struggling with trusting us. Whenever we were out of our home environment, he shut down from us. He wouldn't allow us to touch him & he would not stay close enough to us for our comfort. We knew it was temporary & that he would soon come to trust but, again, it is so hard.

Landyn (yes, she has chosen to go by Landyn! Of course, for now she is mostly Nastia-I-mean-Landyn!) changed everything! She has not only taught him to trust but she has taught him affection & gratitude (both of which we also knew would come with time, but she sped up the process by lightyears!). She really needs to write a book someday on how to be adopted as perfectly as one possibly can!

With this gesture on her part, without having any idea of the impact, she changed our family!

And his expression (although priceless) implies the exact opposite of how he feels about her. Let's just say she's enjoying him now but I predict in the not-so-distant future, he's gonna need to make some other friends! HaHa!!

And, as is true for him, she also goes to bed a thousand times smarter than when she woke up. I was a bit concerned that their ability to communicate with each other would lessen their motivation to learn English. Not so at all! We are all four communicating surprisingly well. They are both interested in English (maybe she a little bit more than he but he is wicked smart, so I'm not the least bit worried) and have excellent recall. And she's been quite the little translator for us in restaraunts & stores. I love it!!

On the other hand, she is very ready to leave this all behind. She speaks regularly of America, Sydney, & Roxy. And she knows our target date is the 18th! We have hit every target date thus far but, unbeknownst to use, we chose a name for her with one more letter than fits on the passport (had we know earlier that she would chose to not go by Nastia, we would have dropped Anastasia altogether, but alas that was not meant to be...). So we are at risk for it taking a few extra days. We are praying not. We all have our eye on the 18th!!

Mother's Day & the Mariupol Marathon Finish Line in Full View!

First things first, I failed to mention that Nastia’s 10-day appellate period was up on Friday. She’s been “officially ours” (in theory) for two days!

About today being Mother’s Day, this Mother’s Day just being a Mom is more than enough which is a good thing because today wasn’t much different than yesterday – but I think I was clear about yesterday; that it was one of the best days of my life! Henry continues to be a joy. He pushed the limits with us a little bit more today but then, cabin fever will make a boy delirious & mischievous! All things considered, it was normal kid stuff & nothing of concern.

This morning Henry asked, “Zaftra Odessa” (tomorrow)? When I said, “yes”, he fist pumped & said, “yeah!”.  He’s either bored, ready to meet Nastia (which is - I do not think - what was behind the reaction), or done with Mariupol (more on that in a moment).

We ventured out to downtown Mariupol this afternoon (in case you’re wondering the smoke stacks are spewing – it’s a 24/7 thing – and Mariupol has NOT grown on me). Interestingly, Henry didn’t enjoy himself either. While I do believe he doesn’t like Mariupol either (more on that in a moment), there is likely a lot behind why he didn’t enjoy our first outing together. It is one of the complexities of having very recently been an orphan & not being able to communicate with your new parents (who you are pretty sure you are starting to trust but still need more time & evidence). First of all, he had no idea where we were going or why. He’s just ‘riding in the car’. Then we passed by his school & through the intersection that is only a few hundred yards from his orphanage. I watched him for a reaction; I couldn’t really read anything other than it was obvious he knew where we were. Then our driver let us out of the car at a supermarket which is how we do things. He drops us off, we walk around, meet friends & our driver picks us up later (we arrange this through our facilitator who speaks English). But Henry doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know that eventually we are going back to the apartment where he just left his personal belongings (the first personal belongings he’s had to his name in who-knows-how-long). And he doesn’t know that our driver didn’t abandon us & is coming back for us whenever we want. He doesn’t really know anything about what’s going on… It was hard for him. And as a parent, it is hard for us knowing what he was experiencing. But we recognized it in his behavior (very withdrawn from us – if we didn’t have previous experience with this it would have appeared like he was giving us attitude) as we saw this with Nastia as well & we called for our driver to come get us (but not before he scored himself a toy handgun – yes, I am the Mom is was never going to be…my kid’s packing heat…I am so anti-violence & I bought my kid a toy gun <smh @ myself> & a remote control care – which, in my defense – he had previously indicated he wanted one & I said we would get him one).

I would be worried that we need to move to Mariupol & live in this apartment for the rest of our lives (or at least until our son is an adult), but remember the earlier excitement about Odessa tomorrow? On the route back to the apartment, we crest a hill & in the distance is the most hideous, all-consuming view of the enormous, grotesque steel mill. This site has caused me to gasp every time I’ve crested that hill (note: I’ve tried to take a picture & I even included one in my blog, but it’s impossible to capture the totality of it without the 360-degree, 5-sense experience). So tonight, knowing it is the last time I will encounter this monstrosity of pollution because, yes it appears as though we have survived the Mariupol Marathon, and I waved at the steel mill & said, “Good bye Mariupol”. Henry smiled and said, “Hello Odessa”!

Once back in the apartment, all is right with our little guy’s world. He is back to our sweet & happy boy again.

And we do realize this will happen many more times before he trusts us. It is a difficult truth…

So, he has packed his backpack for the trip tomorrow & is now exploring my Droid – watching the short video of Nastia she made for him & repeating “Bye-bye Mariupol”.  You decide for yourself how he feels about Mariupol… And maybe he’s even a little excited about his sister.

We have loved every minute of our time with him. God’s plan was perfection! I shudder to think had we followed *our* plan and not picked him up until tomorrow & gotten right on an overnight train to Odessa without having spent the last three days building a relationship with him.

And we are ready for what is next. As all Moms do, I have concerns about how our family of three (we have been a family of three both with Nastia & with Henry) will merge into a family of four. Only time will tell. But we are ready for what is next…

PS. I will most likely not be back (via blog) until at least Tuesday maybe later. Tomorrow night we will be on an overnight train that arrives in Odessa in the morning on Tuesday & we leave immediately for Belgorod & a full day of paper chasing for Nastya (& we’ll be signing her out of her orphanage – Can you say “bye-bye Belgorod?!”). And I’m sure we’ll have a family celebration Tuesday evening! If you don’t hear from me for a few days, fear not. I will be in ODESSA with my FAMILY J J!!

Day 2 - Perfection :0)))

God’s plan ROCKS! I could never have birthed a kid as content & delightful (& bright) as my son!! I am still in disbelief...

So then...I’m left to ponder how it is one blogs about the most boringly perfect day of one’s life.  We really just hung around the apartment all day today. It was exactly what our brand new family of three needed! It could not have been any more perfect.

And he could not be more amazing! He’s just the right amount of everything! And if he learns to speak English as fast as he’s learned to play every game we’ve got, you’ll be able to have a conversation with him by the time we get home! OK, so that’s probably an exaggeration (plus, he’s shy – so he’s probably not going to say much to you the first time you meet him anyway) but he really picks up on things fast & I think he understands a lot more than we think he does. His confidence in his ability to speak English will come with time (& I think his sister will help too!).

Yesterday Henry asked us if he could give the big black & red soccer ball that we bought him – and that he LOVED! – to his friends at the orphanage as a parting gift. Of course, we said “yes”! The yellow ball belongs to the family that owns the apartment we are staying in (I think they are temporarily living in London). They have a small child and there is a child’s room with toys & a toy box. It’s been perfect for us (although most of what he does is play with the games & books we brought with us or have bought for him since we’ve been here – yeah, the same ones he wasn’t interested in just a few days ago in the orphanage)!! Oh, and the living room furniture is on wheels. BIG HIT!! This is him playing foot hockey with his Papa.

I’m tired. I had my Mom ears on all night last night!  I couldn’t bear to think he would be scared or need me and I would not hear him (because I'm like at least 7 or 8 feet across the hall from him!) & I didn’t know if we would come get me. So I pretty much listened to him breathe all night. He never needed me. But I heard him wake up fairly early (the sun comes up VERY EARLY here!)& I had him come get in our bed (we have a king sized bed which I think is like only for rock stars in Ukraine!). He fell right back asleep (too bad I didn’t) & he woke up just like a Sapienza – SLOWLY!!

What else can I say? He’s a good eater – prefers junk but eats healthy stuff too - & he eats like a boy – A LOT! Basically, he's curious & fun- loving & he goes to bed a thousand times smarter than when he woke up. And we still didn’t break him!! We are pretty much ready for a good night’s sleep & Day 3.

Otherwise, I’m homesick… It’s chronic but gets worse in waves. I wanna collect my daughter & come home. If you asked me what I missed most about America & home, I don't know that I could be that specific. But I can tell you that what will likely linger the longest is the lack of fitness & healthy lifestyle.

If I dare say…& if a miracle happens, we leave here in ten days (I would have used the number but it’s still double digits and psychologically I can’t handle it). Please know that your prayers & posts & comments have sustained me. This has been way harder than I ever expected. Of course, they payoff is immeasurable!

Here’s what I saw when I looked out my window to say “good night” to America tonight...

And please share this moon with me in about 7 hours…

Spokoynay nochee.......

Day 1 - Do-Over

Sorry for the "round 2" but I feel I didn't express myself accurately before and am in need of a do-over. What I really meant to say is, "Are you freekin' kidding me?! This is my kid?!". So totally S-C-O-R-E!! He is melting my heart & blowing my mind. I cannot believe it :))))... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ME!! ;)

Day 1 as a Family of Three!

Today has been full of privileges & sentimental firsts. In our parting conversation with Henry’s orphanage director (for whom the roses were), among other things (such as, in addition to computer games, he likes to put things together – which we would soon learn is true & that he is very good at it!) she told us that Henry was concerned about his sister (Nastia). That she might not be nice to him or that she would take too much and not leave enough for him because he is younger. Wasn’t God insightful to change our plans from spending virtually no time with Henry before adding Nastia to the mix to giving him four full days with our undivided attention?! He needs this time with us!!

And little does he know that Nastia (although I’m sure will do both of the above at some point because she is, indeed, his big sister) is one of the sweetest kids I’ve ever met (and I am NOT biased!). She obviously loves younger kids & will be a wonderful big sister!

I had the privilege of going to Henry’s school today with an orphanage staff member to collect his school marks. We didn’t realize we drove passed it at least twice a day!

On the way out of the orphanage, Henry got to say goodbye to his 1^st grade teacher.

Our facilitator assisted us with grocery shopping with our newest large-tummy-ed mouth to feed. We indulged him in a few extra treats & tried to buy foods that would be familiar to him. And he navigated the unruly shopping cart. The carts here have all four wheels on steer, so it’s an accident waiting + a kid who didn’t seem to have any prior experience = nervous parents! And I’ma guess Ukrainian parents do indulge their children like American parents do. Just a li’l observation on my part since we’ve been here…

We spent the rest of the afternoon just hanging out (indeed, the forecasted rain presented itself & settled in for the entire afternoon). And can I just say (and I am sure I will live to eat these words but…) he is a thousand times easier than Nastia (not that we don’t love our time with her !). He enjoys playing games together (and has relished the attention from us) but he also entertains himself (which Nastia did not do when she was with us last summer). On her behalf, she was dealing with two factors that he is not. 1-we were on our turf & she was adjusting to the culture and language differences & 2-she did not know if we would adopt her; if we would be her forever family. We are still on his turf (for which I am very grateful!) & he has never had to fret over whether we are his forever family. We came specifically to get him! He knows that. So I am willing to withhold judgment until she has had an opportunity to prove herself otherwise. But for now, we are completely relived at how comfortable & EASY he is!

He put together his Lego boat in a snap! He is very good with spatial orientation. I am blown away (and a little worried) at how good he is at reasoning & problem-solving. He’s a thinker. And I’m in trouble!!

I think my biggest privilege today has been standing in the kitchen making dinner (which was a success – Greek salad, salami slices, & dumplings) listening to my two favorite guys in the whole wide world interact in the next room.

We are loving being a family of three & looking forward to being a family of four (Tuesday!). Our girl has been incredibly patient & we miss her! We are coming for you soon, Li’l Miss Sassy!!

More than once today I have been overcome with emotion. I just pray I can live up to the grandness with which God has blessed me. I will spend the rest of my life trying…

Mariupol Marathon Day ? - Change in Plans!

Stuff happens. Things change. We’re signing Henry out of the orphanage tomorrow instead of Monday (which – surprise, surprise – is a holiday here in Ukraine). It’s all good…

We should always be prepared for a change plans. In fact, this is precisely why our facilitator usually does not share “the plan”. But in our case, I think he was worn down by spending so much time with us that he shared more of “the plan” than usual. Actually, we had asked to not pick Henry up until we were leaving Mariupol because other families have recommended waiting as long as you can as it is difficult to entertain children in an apartment, without access to things to do, typical outdoor activities, etc.  In any case, I had already mentioned to Richard that I was concerned that there wouldn’t be any administrative staff at the orphanage on the holiday to sign Henry out & that we may have to sign him out on Friday. So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise when our facilitator returned to Mariupol today and informed us (quite casually and as if it weren’t Plan B) that we would be signing Henry out of the orphanage tomorrow & he would be spending the weekend with us. Still, I have to admit I was a little surprised. But I recovered quickly & of course, the first thing I said was, “Can we go to Odessa”? After his cursory pause for implied consideration he gave me the list of reasons why not. And then he followed up with, “It’s been very cold in Odessa”. He insists it’s true…

Today is the first day in quite a while that we’ve had to paper chase (or do anything, for that matter!). It felt a lot like work: nothing seemed to go as planned, everything took longer than expected, favors had to be called in, and at the end of the day, somehow or another it was good enough to be called “done”!  Our day started out in a really happy place - the office of civil registrations (births, marriages, & deaths). There was a wedding getting started. It was so tacky but so happy! I wish we could have stayed until the ceremony was over. I never really got a good look at the bride :(.

One of the offices (located inside a building with other offices) that we had business at was “closed today” – which was unexpected & a problem. After all was “mission accomplished” (one of the called-in favors – I’m sure!) our facilitator told me what had happened (he’s good about not informing you until after the crisis is over, if at all!). I asked, “Why are they closed today”? And he said, “Because they are open tomorrow” – which was clearly the (unreasonable but very Ukrainian) answer he had been given. This is yet another example of how, without a facilitator who has all the right “connections”, an adoption here would be nearly impossible! Because he, somehow or another, made it happen anyway!

Henry looked so proud sitting for his passport photo!! I just love that kid. I sooo wish I knew what was going on in that little head of his. He knows the plan for tomorrow. Pray for him. I am sure it will be hard for him to leave his friends and caregivers. And I’m sure he has questions & fears about what is to come for him.

So…(other than our brief stint last summer when Nastia was with us) tomorrow is our first day as real parents. The forecast is for rain three of our four days together in Mariupol. So we should be getting to know each other right quick, huh!? Regardless, we are excited & ready. And in some ways, we’re glad to have a few days with him before we get on a train & go collect Nastia.  

As for my feelings about Mariupol, the smoke stacks were spewing their polution at a record pace today... It's incomprehensible to me. But how can I not love a place that give me the BEST PRIZE EVER! How could I be anything but 100% thrilled!?!

Spakoynay nochee (good night). Tomorrow is a big day...

Mariupol Marathon Day 6 - Hump Day!!

Day 6 is truly Day 6 – whether you are counting the days up or counting the days down. Thus far in our Mariupol Marathon I’ve counted the days up. But since I’m into the “psychology” of it all, tomorrow I will start counting the days down! No matter how you slice it, Monday we collect our Mariupol prize & board a train to Odessa (my favorite Ukraine destination!)!

I’ve noticed that in Mariupol, the sun doesn’t come up. It just gets daylight, but the sun doesn’t really come up. Any guesses why that might be? Maybe it’s a smog thing… because eventually, the sun comes out & we have us a lovely, warm afternoon (as evidenced by this cat that is out cold in the grass!).

Our visit with Henry was better today but he still dismissed us early. At least today he said “goodbye”. Well, the first time he left the room to go hang out with his friend in the next room, he did not say anything (again, crawled over Richard & walked out of the room). I let this go on for all of about 20 seconds & I went & got him. He then left & it seems like he went to the bathroom (trust me, I made sure he wasn’t in the next room). But shortly after he returned, he was done with us & he hugged us both, said “goodbye” & went in the other room to be with his friend.

Prior to our visit today, I realized that I had two issues with what was going on: 1 – We do not intend to be the type of parents to overindulge our kids (at least not *every day*!)which is exactly what is happening, and 2 – by doing this, I feel like we are misleading him; this is not real life. It feels dishonest.

Well, today add #3 to the list; we are overindulging him & it’s *still* not good enough. He *still* dismisses us! Yikes…. If that ain’t “welcome to parenthood”! He didn’t even break us in gently!

Despite our little family train being way off track, for the next four days, some version of this derailment will likely continue. We can make a few additional minor adjustments (as we did today) to improve things, but to be quite honest, two hours is too long for a kid to sit around with his new parents who don’t speak his language. Even if we *could* talk to each other, hanging out (indoors – when it is gorgeous outside!) for two hours is probably too long. And, in all fairness to Henry, he wants to spend time with his friend. I don’t know for sure, but I assume he realizes he will not see his friend again after a few more days. Really; now is probably not time to crack the whip on the kid.

And on his behalf, he does seem to enjoy his time with us…for the most part. I guess that is going to have to be good enough for now.

Tomorrow our court decree will be available & we will obtain Henry’s new birth certificate (I don’t know why I’m pretty sure I’ll cry when I see it – although, I’m sure the sentiment will be damped by the fact that it will be in Russian & I cannot read it – still, I’ll know what it says!) & apply for his passport (2 bumpy hours away in Donetsk). I think we will be in the car for the better part of the day. And I’ve given great consideration to this whole driving-in-Ukraine thing & it occurred to me today that there is no such thing as tailgating here; it’s simply called “driving”. I also think potholes & overall poor road conditions are to be credited for the apparent low accident rate. Every driver on the road has two hands on the wheel (not one hand on the wheel & one hand on their phone) & both eyes on the road looking for the next pothole. By default, no one gets hurt.

Praise God; we are coming down the home stretch……….

Mariupol Marathon Day 5 - :(

Despite mostly nice weather & neither of us being afflicted with any kind of physical illness, today was about as tough a day as we’ve had. It takes a close second to the “You’re-Not-in-America”-speech day when we asked to be moved from the creepy apartment in Bilgorod.

It doesn’t come as a surprise but still it’s hard. We’ve hit the snack-bringing, game –provider wall. We don’t feel like parents to Henry. We are a means to what pleases him. For the most part, his affection toward us feels cursory. Today during our visit, while they were playing a game together Henry actually crawled over Richard to get out from behind the table, not a word or motion or acknowledgement that he was leaving the room, and went into the next room and began to play a game with another kid who was visiting with his adopting family. It was close to our time to leave, so we packed up & waited a few minutes thinking maybe he was coming right back. When it became clear that he was not we passed through the other room, said “goodbye” to him & left. He seemed surprised that we were leaving but not necessarily bothered.

It’s not his fault. He’s 8. And that I know of, he has never had a family (at least not a functional, healthy family). And two people (with whom he cannot communicate) who visit him daily for a few hours with snacks & games is not what it means to have a family. Even though we’ve tried some interactive games with him, they work for a short time but not long. It is extremely difficult to balance the dynamics of the situation as it exists here. There is no easy answer... 

We pray we can take our relationship to another level with him very soon. My fear is that if we don’t establish something meaningful with him before Nastia enters the picture, he will have an uphill battle. She is so “connected”, in our face (in a good way!), & appreciative. She demands our attention. She goes to great lengths to position herself between us & eats up every morsel of attention we pay her. And she is very good at showing her gratitude.  

You know, I was always pretty sure that Nastia understood our “family” & her role in it. I remember being amazed that it seemed intuitive to her. It was like last summer she stepped off the airplane & into our family – simple as that! Pretty much "done deal"! I will never forget the day (it was a few days before she was returning to Ukraine) when she was wrapped up in her concern about which clothes she was going to take back with her. She was in quite the tizzy. I had the translator tell her that what she means to us has nothing to do with these clothes. And the clarity of crystal came across her face. She *knew* what I meant. And really, it was a defining moment. If we weren't 100% before, we were now SOLID. With one sentence. I realize now that this explains her confidence that we were coming for her.

And when we finally arrived, as we were walking out of our first meeting from the orphanage director’s office, after not having seen each other for eight months, she repositioned us so that she was in between & she held both of our hands. Not one of us has ever doubted that we are her parents & she is our daughter. Or what that means...

I’m sure the situation will improve with Henry. Like I said, we’re not even really surprised. If we were on our own turf, we’d probably feel stronger and clearer headed than we do right now.  And please don’t think for a second that we feel like we’ve made a mistake in our decision to include him in our family. We love him very much! We realize this really has nothing to do with “us”. And the reality is that he is more the rule & she is more the exception for how adopted kids attach to their adopted parents. We don’t expect him to be her. Nor would it be reasonable to think he can grasp what our family means without being in the environment that is our home & family. He doesn’t yet have that perspective. We long for the day when he does. I have faith that all of our issues will be behind us in no time!

Other than that, the constant disorientation caused by everything unfamiliar & not being able to communicate takes its toll & some days it just seems to cave in on you. Maybe we’re feeling otherwise compromised and today fear took that opportunity to take hold. I think this is the bottom line. In America, you abide by the law and, for the most part, you know what to expect. Here, there is corruption. We don’t have a frame of reference for that. What does that mean to me? We don’t even have a good understanding of what that means to a citizen of the Ukraine; let alone a foreigner.  

And why don’t people jog here (surely everyone is concerned about fitness & stress management!)? Just makes *everything* here appear shady!! Lord, help this helpless American (me)…

Most families have left the country before four-and-a-half weeks. They go home or somewhere else for the 10-day waiting period. Our US facilitator will do everything in his power to talk you out of staying here if you think that’s what you’re going to do. He is right. GET OUT if you can!! We couldn’t.

Eye on the prize………. 15 days & counting! Praying.........

Mariupol Marathon Day 4 - Truce

We woke up to the news that US troops had killed Osama bin Laden. It seems wrong to my very core to celebrate someone’s killing (regardless of the circumstances…). But I am willing to celebrate that we are united &progressing toward a safer nation. And I will leave all judgment to the only One with the right to do so.

There was sunshine in Mariupol for most of the day today, so I’m willing to call a truce with Lady Mariupol. I think this is what happens when you move from survival mode to merely existing – you lose your will to win. Actually, all is well here. We’re just ready to not be here (or anywhere but home) anymore. I’d say we’re in need of our second wind, but we’ve already used that one up.  And the fourth…

 If anyone is interested in the statical summary: we have been in Ukraine for 30 days. We have about 16 more to go before we are out of here. As adoptions go, these are pretty good stats (especially for two adoptions in different, not-even-close-in-proximity regions). Still, we’re weary and ready to be home & start our lives with our kids.

There is really nothing terribly exciting to report today. We enjoyed our visit with Henry but are beginning to feel like our relationship has evolved as much as it can within the confines of the “green room” at the orphanage. I can tell you this, he is a sweet kid. He is curious & bright. He has not let us see his mischievous side but I am sure he has one. All boys do! My son (*especially* my son) included!!

We literally did nothing else today. We were so good at grocery shopping yesterday there was no need to repeat the challenge again today. There were meals to be made & a few loads of laundry to be done; check. And I laid in bed, ate pistachios & chocolate & watched a movie on the laptop (“Catch Me if You Can” – it was pretty good) thinking it will likely be a very long time before I can get away with such raised-in-a-barn, un-mom-like behavior again!

Otherwise, Mariupol is Mariupol. The smoke stacks are busy (in case you’re wondering) & the tulips are gorgeous.

Today is Henry’s 10^th day. His appellate period is over. Theoretically, he is ours! Technically, though, it is a holiday tomorrow. So the court decree will not go into effect until Wednesday. We will obtain his new birth certificate & apply for his passport Wednesday but we do not plan to sign him out of the orphanage until next Monday when we leave Mariupol to go get Nastia. So the rest of this week & next weekend will be pretty much more of the same.

In case you’re still confused about the purpose of the 10-day waiting period. I’ve asked a lot of questions about this. Despite my really great facilitator explaining it to me & answering my questions, I still don’t really understand it. Frankly, I’d be more satisfied it they simply said, “You will be a better mother for it.” In the true spirit of Ukrainian communication, technically speaking, it is not “untrue”!!

Blessings……….